My Own Little World

Hopeless?

2005-08-30T00:57:00.000-04:00

All of a sudden..everything seems so hopeless..making me want to not care for anything. I've gotten so impatient that i just dont have that patience to deal with ppl anymore. And yet at the same time..i find it so meaningless to deal with people...
Yeah..when you're not around..they're like oh i wish you were here..blah blah blah..but then...when you're actually there...and able to be there..they'll be like oh i'm busy. Or like just..i don't know...so hypocratic. Whatever..i don't have that kind of time to deal with such situations anymore. I feel so busy..i feel like i should be doing something all the time..and that i have a lot of work to do..but yet i feel so lazy and don't want to do whatever i need to do. BLAH.

Feeling Useless..

2005-08-18T00:01:00.000-04:00

Why am I so useless? Why can't I do more? Why am I such a failure? I'm a screw up. I'm a complete screw up. I can't do anything right. I can't accomplish anything. I can't finish anything that i've started.I can't make people happy. Ican't make their life better. It really tears me apart to see my friends hurt. Lately..everyone's been depressed and upset. Either with relationships or other things...and everytime i hear them not being able to be happy...being torn apart...being hurt....it tears me apart as well. All I can do is sit there..and listen or give as much advice as i could...even though it's like barely any help. I feel so useless. I wish that i can do more for these friends of mine. I wish i can make all their pain and troubles go away...i wish i can make them happy. And make their situation better..instead of just sitting here and doing things that probably won't even affect the situation in any way. I really do wish i can be more help. Why must I be such a screw up? Tell me ..why? What can I do to help? To make things better for everyone. Tell me..and i'll do it.

Toronto

2005-08-16T12:02:00.000-04:00

So yesterday i was in toronto. We left the house at um..8! and got there at around 10....went to karen's houseee...fooled 'round till joey came and picked us up at like....11:30? He was LATE..but yeah...then we droveeeeee down to scarborough.to go to blufferin beach? some name liek that..don't remember exactly...but we took the wrong turn and like ended up somewhere rocky with no sand..so we're lke this isn't right..so we were walking 'round trying to ask ppl where the BEACH was...and we called roy and asked..and realized we made the wrong turn..so we drove again and found the beach! Goooddd times! WE were there..playing in the waterr...getting each other soaked..well..just joey and karen...i stayed dry! =) Tried taking lots and lots of picturess...and then we laid on our towel..for like half an hour? Attempting to get tanned...which didn't work SO well..cuz we weren't there for long enough..but that's okyyy..cuz im going to florida in like 3 days anyways..i'm sure to be tanned thereee! =)
Anyways..then suddenly..black flies starting biting us..and joey was like bleedingg..SO we left..and drove bak to fmp to hve lunch...then joey left..and karen and i went and got our eyebrows done! LOL!...it was kinda painful..but now at least it looks better! Thenn..roy came..and we watched...wedding crashers! funny...but dirty! Thennnn...we went to roy's house to pick up some food...got some other "stuff"...and thennn went to karen chow's house! had like terriyaki stuff...and a pretty salad that she decorated...and yeahhhhh..and watched tv..watched a movie..play monopoly! Entertained themmm...yup yup! thennn...bryan came and picked me up..and got home at 2:30! What a day!

My Last Day at Work...

2005-08-13T19:23:00.000-04:00

Today was my last day working at the retirement home. And i realized..i'm going to miss it more then i thought i would. Today..everything seem to have passed by so quickly...serving the food..cleaning up the tables..washing the dishes..and infact..i finished half an hour early..And as i was saying my goodbyes and stuff to certain residents.. i was so close to crying. They were so cute and so nice..and i'm going to miss them so much. These little old ladies and men have changed a lot in my life.. Yeah..perhaps..sometimes they can get a bit grouchy...and be fussy with everything and drive me crazy and all...and make me really frustrated..but yet..they are the ones who are also able to make me smile. Some people think old seniors are annoying and gross and yucky..but you know what..they're not! They're really really cool. They're like little kids...but..older.Whenever i'm having troubles with life...i go to work grumpy..and when they just smile at me..it makes everything better. And when i serve them something..or give them something they like..and they like it and tells me they like it and are happy 'bout it..it satisfies me soo much. Their smile makes all the hard work worth it. It makes me feel so satisfied and happy. When they're happy...i naturally..feel their happiness as well.I'm going to miss them so much....i learned a lot from this experience...a whole lot.

My Day OFF!

2005-08-11T22:23:00.000-04:00

SO today i had my day off. Didn't have to work at either places..which ws really really nice. WELL...so i tried sleeping in this morning..but some stupid person woke me up..and i couldn't go back to sleep! So i woke up took a shower..and went to VBS. Saw Wendy and Stephanie...they're still so cuteeee..and they remembered me and my name! Which made me really happy. And then..AFTER VBS..went to Jo's...and had tons of fun....cause we talked..ordered pizza..took webcm pics..pretending to be boys! HEHeheHE! re Then....went home for a bit..and then went out to PHilthy McNasty's...and im so full from it right now...and um..lets see who was there tonight...um..kat..jo..jasy..me.. amanda.. essie ... herman ..jon... billy... victor...pt...and thats it! But it was fun! Then now i'm homeee! =) Tired...omgosh..frikken parents pissing me off...blah blaah blahh...i don't careee.holy crap..so annoying.

Smiles

2005-08-10T22:56:00.000-04:00

Yay! I don't have to work again at timmies for another three weeks! SWEETT! So now i can kinda relax..stil working at the retirement home though..not sure if she'll schedule me for the next schedule though..hope she doesn't! THEN that means i get sun/mon /tues/wed off..and then thurs off.sorta..but im leavinggg for florida..so yeah! then i can spend some time with ppl i've been neglecting laetly....got some catching up to do! =)
Saw the really cute guy todayyyy again at timmiess..so happy! =)
But then..retirement home sucked...cause ryan didn't show up for work cuz he was sick..SO Judy and i had to do THREE people's job..which kinda suckeddd..cuz i hadta wash dishes...AND sweep and mop the frikken floor. The two things which i hate most i was stuk with. Sigh..oh well..it's over now..worked the whole day..so exhusted..timmies from 10-4..then retirement home from 4:30-7:50..so im like DEAD..my feet are killing i can barely walk.but oh well..it's all ending soon! =)
I get a day off tomorrow..so no complains...
In a way..i'm kinda thankful for everyone and everything i have..Why all of a sudden? Well..mostly..because liz from work..her house burnt down..and she and her fiancee lost like everything....but yet she still comes to work like just all giggly and happy and as if nothing happened! And it's not like she's faking it or anything..it's completely genuine..and she's just like oh well..it happened..so theres no point being upset 'bout it..and she's just so cheerful! Then it mde me think..like i have so much.yet i'm so gloomy 'bout it..nd not thankful. It made me think real hard..it really did.

Exhausted

2005-08-09T20:00:00.000-04:00

Boy am i ever exhausted? I'm so tiredd right now..worked an 8 hr shift..it was mad crazyyy...and i got more cuts..hahaha...sighh..they hurt.but meh. BUT today..i met a very hot/cute guy. Yes..i was making his sandwich for him..so i made sure it was perfect! Then i gave it to him..and he smiled and said thankyou..and he had like the PERFECT smile..and it was so big and bright. It made my day. Also....spent some time with jasy during my break today..so that was nice! =) I'm glad to be home.

Proof..

2005-08-07T13:33:00.000-04:00

I think today i finally proved to myself that i don't belong here. Not one bit. Just that the people and i..we're completely DIFFERENT people..we live in a completely different world. They would do things i dont like doing...and i would do things that they don't like doing. So what's the point? Why change myself to SUIT them? I don't want to...being friends isn't about changing yourself to match the other ppl..just so you "fit in" ....honestly..tht's just dumb. I enjoy being myself...and around them..i can't. Cause we're so different. There really is no point of going anymore..i just dont find the point. There really isn't a point of trying to please them anymore either..and theres no point of trying to be like them..not being myself.. thats stupid. Whatever..i really don't care anymore....this place isn't where i belong. I miss toronto like theres no tomorrow right now...i wish i can see bee and rach and jo and jen and jay and mike and wes and karen right now....i miss you guys so flipping much.

Drifting... Prt 2

2005-08-05T23:22:00.000-04:00

I take that back from what i said the last entry. Everything is BULLCRAP! Yup! That's right. I DONT care 'bout ANYONE anymore. Like honestly...WHATEVER! Everyone seems to be...a liar to me. Whatever they say..is just..bullcrap? Whtever...so mind your own business..i'll mind my own. Don't come bug me.i wont come bug you. I dislike all you stupid people out there.

P.S. I DISLIKE Waterloo ..a LOT!

Drifting...

2005-08-05T22:04:00.000-04:00

I feel as if i'm drifting away from everyone. I feel as if i don't talk to people anymore. I feel like i've just completely shut my door on them. those who i once trusted and talked to everyday now seemed to have disappeared from my life...in a matter of seconds...or minutes.. Sometimes....i would think about making the effort to start talking to them again...but i would think again...if they really wanted to talk to me and stuff..why don't they make the effort? Why do I have to be the one who makes the effort? I wonder sometime. I wonder...do anyone even care? And that stops me from taking that first step. So now..life is like...whatever comes comes...whatever goes goes.

My 5 Day Trip In Boston

2005-08-01T21:55:00.000-04:00

I'm finally Home!!! Wow..that was a long trip! FIVE DAYS! So here's what happened over the last 5 days.

Thursday

So on thursday..i had to work...then we left for Boston with my family and auntie Yvonne. Well.the stupid ride took...10 hours..but it's okay..it wasn't that bad..and like it got dark and stuff...so we saw the moon...and it was like RED/ORANGISH..i was like holy crap!! But it was like really cooll...then..i saw all these starss..in the sky..and it made me really happy! HAha...but then..my brother..daniel..he was like vivian look theres like this red thing in the sky..im like what? no there isnt. He was like yes there is..it's a UFO! i'm like no daniel...UFOs don't exist! But i looked and it was like this red thinggyy going up and down and stretching and closing..and i was like holy crap..and i kept telling daniel it was just some car light thingy..but then i was starting to get convinced myself that it was some UFO thingy...and then..after a while of like trying to figure out what it was..my other benny was like oh so you think that red thing is a UFO? we're like yeah..and he was like look..nd he shows me his ipod with the itrip thingy which had a red light thingy ...so all along..he was trying to trick us into believing that there's such things as UFO...when he was having the laugh of his life. So we finlly got to uncle tony's house..but it was like late..at like 1 in the morning...and i dint really sleep till 3 in the morning...but yeah..that's the first day.

Friday

So on the second day..we slept in...and woke up..and went shopping! YES! That's right..viv going shopping...what can happen? LOTS! So that day..i got..umm...a pair of like heels....it's GREEN! =) HEhe...and umm..got a shirt from AE...got a skort and a shirt from aeropostale...umm...OH! got a billabong tubetop from pac sun..ummm...got cheesecake from the cheesecake factory.um...got eyeshadow from mac...and oh! Got a white Guess Purse. And then had dinner at some chink place..i ate so much...icky! So that's that for the second day.

Saturday

So today..we went downtown...massachusettes..? And we took the subway downnn! SO MUCH FUN! we took it like a gazillion times..buahhhh..i wish waterloo had a subway..then i would take it everyday just for the fun of it! =) Well...we went shopping...downtown..it felt like hk..smelled like hk..but it was different then hk...cuz theres um..."dark" skinned ppl everywhere..trying to be nice if you know what i mean..and they're sooo grosss.ahhh..they were like looking t me from like head to toe..and im like ..ahhhh..nd i like run off! Cuz it's soo grossss...they just like sit by the staircase and stair at you from top to bottom! ANYWAYS! .....um..that day..i got two pair of pants..anddd umm....we went to HARVARD! omgosh...it was like the HIGHLIGHT of like THE WHOLE TRIP! HARVARD BABBYY!!! so nice man...so yeh..went there...got a green tea frappuchino from umm..second cup..so yummieee..and um..went and looked 'round harvard.took a picture with that john harvard dude..gunna frame it..thats what my daddy said..hehe..and went to the harvard book store and got like a harvard hoodie..so purdyy..it's white with blue prints on it...hehehe...yes..ahh.so happy...and then we like walked all day cuz we didn't bring the car..went to chinatown..and umm..went went to newbury? or something like that..all nice stores..burberry...chanel...ahhh..hahah..took pictures there..so funny..feltl ike such a tourist! But yeah...it was a good day..cept like my ankle was all swollen from walking two days in a row. But it's all worth it!

Sunday

So...went to church in the morning..wasn't so cool..cause the people weren't very friendly...some were..but some weren't..but thank goodness there wasn't sunday school. But then..after..went and had viet food for lunch...then went car looking..then went shopping at the outlet mall..so freaking awesome!Got a pair of puma shoes...umm...another hoodie from aeropostale..um...another GUESS purse..so much prettier too...and then..i think that's it? i dont rememberrr....bu t it was fun! the Guess store was like the best..cept it was the last store i was in cause we had to leave..and then we went and got lobster and seafood and crap..and they went home and cooked it..but i didn't eat any..since i hate seafood..so they ordered pizza for my bros and i. and then i fell asleep on the couch at like 10:30...and there's sunday.

Monday

So that's today..we woke up at 7..SO GAY...and umm...left at like 8:20? something like that..and droveee..and along the way..we got lost many times..and i was dying in the car cuz it was so like ...not comfortable..and brother wouldn't shut up..and like hungry..but yeh..the ride took 12 hours..got home at like 8 something..so yup! But i'm really glad to be home...i was homesick..i wanted to come home...but the next couple of days..i have to work..which SUCKS like CRAP!

So there's my 5 day trip..not TOO interesting..but enough to make me wanna stay home..spent tons of money...which is baddd...and that's it! =)

My 5 Day Trip In Toronto

2005-07-27T22:22:00.000-04:00

So i've been busy and haven't had the chance to blog 'bout my 5 days trip in toronto. I must say...it probably was the highlight of my summer so far. Cause it was definitely better then JMC. Well...let's go through what i did.

-Friday-

So..on friday....i went out..and picked out glasses..had lunch with um karen and like my family and her "relatives"...and then went to another karen's house..and watched " White Chicks" which made me laugh like maddd..and just chilled with two karens and roy. Got back to karen's house at like...12ish...and stayed up till 3ish. OH! And Ga used me as a dummyy.and like tried on like a gazillion different colors of eyeshadow on me! LOL..so jokes!

-Saturday-

Well..woke up early and went to yum cha with um...Karen..roy...aaron and mo? yes...it was funny..cuz we were the only young ppl at the placee...it was all old ppl otherwise. THEN...we went to pmall and chilled a bitt..and then went to MIX2 and cherned K till like who knows whennn...but it was madd funn! =) Thennn..went to Markville mall..and shopped a bit and went home. Spent the rest of the night watching soap opera..which was goodd..and ordered delivery for East sides..which was ALSO good. =) And there goes another day.

-Sunday-

So on Sundayy..i went to RHCCC...saw some ppl! Which was coolllll....and had lunch with Rach's family...went toBee's housee...and went to pmall to meet up with everyone for bee's birthday. So everyone was thereee..and we took picturess..and then went to...MIX2..AGAIN! to sing k! =) but it was fun this time too..cuz everyone was singing..well..MOST ppl were..and like theres' just so many ppl..and it was so nice seeing everyone again..since i haven't seen them since April. Not only that..but i met some new friends toooo! cool people like BEV! she's so cute...and who else? umm..OH! esther! and josh...and i think thats it! but yeahhhh..it's cool seeing old friends and meeting new ones! um..they played some pool..then went back to pmall to take a group piccc..thenn some ppl left...and the rest went to some mongolian place for dinner...and mke and i got bee birthday cake! =) it was a fun filledday! OH! and after...we were umm...at 168..playing a card gameee..and bev and jo losttt..and so they had to ask random guys to take pictures with themmm....and bev looks so good with that one guy she took a pic with..too bad he's an ass. Ummm....thenn..at night..went to Bee's to sleepoverr..jo came tooo..and we were up till late uploading pictures and like talking to random guys on her msn....hehehe...oh man..so jokes! i love you girlies!

-Monday-

Well..finnally monday..well..monday..ummm....lets see..we woke up late..and then went to Wonderlanddd...but then we were hungry..so went to william's for breakfastt....chardy and jayho cameee..and so did little vincent! Jayho and vincent are such good brothers! We went on only a couple of rides.Italian job..ummm.scooby doo haunted houseee...spongebob thingyy..ummm....i think thats it..? i don't remember..but yeahh...it was fun tohugh! got a "bit" tanner...gotta spend time with them all..so it was gooodd! =) But we hadta leave at 7...but rach came to bee's house too..so it was goodd...and then...we spent teh rest of the night trying to find a ride to go out for drinkkk.

-Tuesday-

Well..if you're wondering if we ended up getting a drink or not...ahem..note that..it was an NON-alcoholic drink we wanted....we DID! Well...after looking for ppl to drive uss...bee's friend..andrew was able to drivee us...SO we sneaked outta her house at 1...we waited till her parents were asleep..OH..and if you were wondering..i meant ONE as in ONE in the morningg...yes..SO we like ran as fast as we could down the road to meet up with andrew. Thenn...we went to "go for tea"...saw gavin there..which was pretty coooool....andafter.. we just sat in the car in the parking lot talkinggg..but then...time came 'round when it was BED TIME...so we went home at 3:30....had fun sneaking back in though! =) Oh man..it's the thrill that makes it so much fun! =) Then we slept in...and went to Pmall after..to pick up the pic we took...and went to mix2...bev and josh and davy came...but then the rest of the ppl who WERE suppose to come didn't end up showing up..which made me upset and disappointed..cu i really wanted to see them again before i leave..since i don't know when i'm going back to TO again. But oh well...then after...went to get my glasses..got some movies..and went home.

So that's basically my 5 day story. But yeah..i'm sure i left out a lotta stuff...buuttt i'm really tired..since i worked all day today...and im suppose to pack..so i can't think! But yeahhh..it was really nice seeing bee and rach and jo and jen and umm..mike and wes and jayho and richard againn...but it was nice meeting bev and esther and josh and davy! OH! and it was nice seeing szeto and roy again ..and good meeting karen chow! =)

Well..that's it for NOW! .....off to boston tomorrowww..so i'll be blogging in 5 days! =)

Life moves on...

2005-07-22T00:57:00.000-04:00

Life moves on doesn't it? It never stops or dwells in the same time..or place..or event. I've thought it through.. Yeah..perhaps i don't want a lot of things to change..or people to change..but in the end...they all change...everything will change eventually..nothing really just stops and stay like that forever. From now on..i'm going to look forward to things...instead of looking back. It's important to look back once in a while....on good memories and learn from the bad ones..but never will i dwell in one ever again. =) Life moves on.

Sick

2005-07-20T22:20:00.000-04:00

It's not so cool being sick. But at least i got to sleep for like what? 14 hrs straight. Pretty sweet. Well...i was dizzy all day longg...so that wasn't so cool either. Was suppose to go out with jo..but ended up not. Tomorrow's a long long day. Sigh.

I Wish....

2005-07-17T22:22:00.000-04:00

I wish. I really do..i wish that things never changed ....i wish things would go back to the way it used to be. I suddenly miss you...a lot...and I wish you were right here for me to talk to right now....i don't know why...but i wish we would talk like we would back in the days every single day...i wish we can be there for each other....but i know this wish will never happen. I'm just being brainless and stupid. Sigh.Too much has changed since last summer..not for the better..but for the worst.

Thinking Back...

2005-07-16T20:00:00.000-04:00

I was working at the retirement home tonight...and as I was putting the dishes away in the kitchen..a smile stretched across my face.Why? Because I was thinking back on how i started at the retirement home and all those improvements made along the way. It actually wasn't too long ago when i started working there..only a month and a half.And I thought...wow..so much has changed...when i first worked...a lot of residents were really nice about it and helped me along the way..but there were always a few exceptionals of grouchy old people. Those who gave you a hard time.And I thought.in the beginning..Mr.Baird was always one to give me trouble. He had a thing where he always makes fun of people whether it's the residents who lives with him or the servers who serves him..they tend to have a hard time with him. And he made fun of me by constantly saying that i'm chinese and can't speak english and that i don't understand and that i'm married. And the thing is..he's never talked to me before and he kept making those comments. And one day..Mr. Kearns wanted something...and Mr.Baird just say "she doesn't understand what you're saying"...when i did understand..and i got really frustrated and my eyes started tearing...but later on that day..he came up to me and apolgized and told me that he says a lot of crap and that he didn't mean wht he said..and ever since..he's been tht kind gentle man as he is....and he listens to whatever i say..nd he really is a good man..just the way of expressing himself is different then others.Mr. Kearns..another example..I used to have a little trouble with him...since he doesn't really have teeth and can't really eat...but now? He's always smiling at me and today..surprisingly..he tried tipping me money..but i was like no no no...i can't take this..but he was like it's yours ..keep it..and tried putting it on my tray...but i took it off and i was like nono..it's okay mr.kearns...you keep it! Another person...Mrs. Bell..she is probably the most annoying and vicious and picky lady you'll ever meet. She only eats a couple of things..and she always complains 'bout everything. There was one time i was serving her section..and she was having dessert..but her plates were still on her table from the main course..but i was going 'round collecting them and finish serving other residents before i can start cleaning up..and she said to another lady..she's like..our table is soo messy..and i was nearby..so i'm guessing it was meant for me to hear it. And i was just like totally angry...cause she's just saying dumb stuff for me to hear ...and i went to Mrs. Weber (my fav resident) and told her that.and she's like omgosh...who was the one who made that mess in the first place? And i laughed and said they did. Mrs. Weber is one of the funniest lady and sits at the table which i like the best. But as days went by i treated Mrs.Bell with tons of patience and tried pleasing her and making whatever makes her happy for her. And i guess she realized that...cause she stopped being as picky..and she started being a nicer lady and agrees with whatever i say and eats whatever i tell her to. And surprisingly..today before she left..she said thank you to me..and that made me feel really happy. There are many many more stories..but i'll stop here..actually...one more thing.So today i was changing table cloths after dinner...and Mrs.Wright came down to her table and sat down....and she was like making this noise..like it was sorta like a whinning and mumbling noise. And i wasn't so sure what was happening.and she kept on doing tht..and i got a bit scared. And then after i was told she has ahlzeimers...and after..i went up to her and asked her if there was anything i can get her....and she was like thats nice of you to say that..but i think i'm good..and then she started stroking my hair n head..and i was a bit freaked out by the way she was starring at me and like just sweeping my hair back and stuff. So i went off..and i was about to leave..i passed by her ..and she told me to go over.so i was like okay..nd she ws like can you buckle my belt for me..so i was like oky..so i took her to the bathroom..and she unbuckled her belt..and she was like can you unbuckle her pants button..so i ws like okay..so i did that..then she buckles it back herself..so im like wht would you like me to do? And she ws like can you buckle the belt? so i'm like oky..so i did it for her..and it was exactly the way it was before she asked me to help..so im like okay? So we went back outside and she was like...i dont remember where i was going to sit..nd i was like did you want to sit in the dinning room or the sofas? and shes' like i don't remember where i sit..so i was like okay..how 'bout i take you there..so i did..and i was like here's your table...have a seat..nd she's like where do you sit? and im like oh i don't sit here..and she's like oh..and then she saw my nametag and was like oh your nme is vivian..nd i was like yes it is...and she was like..i have a name too..it's...Lois Mauriel...:Lois Mauriel....and she just kept on repeating that..cuz she couldn't remember her last name...and i was like..it's WRIGHT..see...it says LOIS WRIGHT on your nametag..and she's like yeah! THAT! and i was like...i didn't know what to say..i felt SO bad...like honestly...someone who can't even remember their name..someone who doesn't remember half the stuff she does..someone who never has visitors..someone who never associates with other residents..someone who just sits there after dinner and daze off...someone who keeps insisting that she doesnt live at the retirement home and is constantly asking people where she lives..she doesnt even remember her room number..and i was just in shock. I wanted to do something..something more then wht i did...something tht would actully made a good difference in her life..but i couldn't think of what i could do to help her. I imagined myself being like that one day..and i just can't imagine how it would be like..not being able to remember my name? OR where i live...that would totally suck. I'm not planning on quitting this job as my mother wants me to..over the past month and a half..i've developed such a good relationship with all these seniors that i can't just leave them now..they're like my OWN grandparents..they're my friends...and i just..don't want to leave them..

Rainy Day

2005-07-16T14:43:00.000-04:00

Sick. Dizzy. Rainy. What a gloomy day. Rainy days are always gloomy. It makes me wanna do nothing but just stay home and just do nothing. Too bad I have to work tonight, and too bad we're having cellgroup at our house. Which means i won't get peace and quiet like i intended on getting. Feeling sick doesn't add to make this day any better either. Sigh.

Mommy's office

2005-07-13T14:10:00.000-04:00

Well...i just got off work from timmies....and now i'm waiting for my mommy to get off work. Well...i'm at the university club...sitting here...doing nothing...waiting for lunch time to come 'round..cause the UW club's lunch today is called.." christmas in july"...interesting....so i'm gunna have lunch here afterwards...hmm..what else? Baking at timmies all next week....yay? But have a shift colliding in two places..so need someone to find my shift!

What a day!

2005-07-13T00:24:00.000-04:00

Well..today was rather...interesting? Worked at timmies from 12-3..making sandwiches the WHOLE time which sucked. I hate making them..so stressful. Then went to work at the retirement home from 4:30-7:15..it wasn't as bad as yesterday..but stilll.Then had a surprise party for benny cause it was his birthday today. BUT he figured out something was going on before he even got to the party...OH WELL...it was still good i guess. It was good having people over and spending time with them after not seeing some of them for so long! SO it was good. But i'm exhausted...really exhausted..i wonder why.

Story Time...

2005-07-10T22:46:00.000-04:00

It really does suck when your effort goes underappreciated.So here's my story. I once had a friend. He was a good friend. Became a close friend. We had lots of fun talking and was able to share what's going on in our heads all the time. I had him to turn to all the time..and i was happy to be there for him when he needed someone to talk to.All was well..until one fight. Okay..SO fight over. What happens? You would expect everything to be back to normal. YUP! Just for a couple of days...more lies from this person...more lies that he can't keep. And now what happens? I lost a friend. YUP! How did it EVER turn out like this? When i though oh look heres a friend i can trust for a long time..and he even said himself that he can pictuer us being friends for a long time. We even planned out how our kids are gunna beat each other up and all that..what? CRAP! That's right. You know what. You know who you are if you're reading this. Ever since..you've changed SO much i don't even KNOW you anymore..and i'm not so sure i want to know you. WHY? Because you're one cold and dry and idiotic and mean and selfish and just a horrible person. And you know what? You've made me upset so many times..i keep thinking...what's wrong with me? Why am i bringing this friendship down? You know what..i've come to realize that it's not my fault. I don't find the fault in me anymore. I make effort to make you feel better..to heal this friendship as it is becoming to shatter into a million pieces.All i did was msged and told you that i would be HAPPY to listen if you wanted someone to LISTEN or whatever. But what do I? "No thanks" " i dont really trust people anymore" WHAT THE HECK IS THAT SUPPOSE TO MEAN? Telling me right in my face that you have no trust in me anymore whatsoever. FINE! you know what...a friendship is based on trust..and if you can't even "trust" me..then fine. This friendship is over. And this time..i'm not turning back. I had enough of you. Really..you've hurt me really bad this time. All those DUMB lies and promises..you know what? SCREW THOSE! and you too! I don't care 'bout you anymore..not one bit. All those "memories" and good times? You know what...just ferget them..cause i know i'm fergetting them. I need to erase you from my past..and my memory. It's a shame i lost a friend JUST like that. But whatever..i guess it taught me a lesson.NEVER EVER to trust ANYONE EVER again in my life. Cause why? In the end...just ONE day...they'll turn around and be a complete different person and tell you that they can't trust youanymore...and that you're this and that. Thanks buddy. REALLY.. Thank you. I give up on this "friendship" which probably never meant ANYTHING to you in the first place. I give up.

Sorry

2005-07-09T23:27:00.000-04:00

It's funny how one person's action can lead to someone else's disappointments. I'm sorry...i really am. I wasn't thinking before i did anything...i didn't know that this would happen. I never meant to disappoint you. Sorry if i made the wrong move and made you disappointed. I wasn't thinking twice. Perhaps i should learn to do that from now on. Just know that I love nd care for you too....no matter what.And thank you for caring 'bout me..it means a whole lot!

Also..today i got to see ga and spent the whole day with her. Even though what we didn't was so exciting..ahem...FARMERS MARKET....i still had lots of fun. We ended the day with NO arguments whatsoever...and we just had TONS of fun...which is awesome since i haven't seen her since like AGES AGO! and possibly not much during the summer either since i'm working so much! SO we made today worthwhile! i love you sis!

Ephesians 4:32

2005-07-07T23:40:00.000-04:00

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in God Christ forgave you. - Ephesians 4:32

I think I learned something today. Forgive and forget. I learned that if you don't forgive people just like the way God forgave you, you're giving in to satan. You're falling into his trap, but not only that, but that anger becomes hatred. God forgave us..despite the wickedness and badness within us...and that tells us something doesn't it? It tells us that we should just be like Him. If we're such worthless people and yet He still gave His life up for us, then who are we to be mad at people? Who are we to stay mad at people and don't forgive them when they trespassed us? When you think'bout what God did for us, it makes us feel so small. SO SO small.

I think this was the right time to teach me this lesson. It made me realize what a small and selfish person i've been for the past i don't know how long. It's kind of like a self-reflection. Seeing this horrible ugly me. And I think it's time to get back on track and remove satan within me. And seal that hole so that he won't have another chance to invade me and my relationship with God. And when there's no chances for satan to come in...THEN i'll be "satan-free"..right?

Don't know what to say...

2005-07-07T01:09:00.000-04:00

Well here i am...sitting here.. SICK. Can't sleep. Headache. Sore throat. Coughing. Ear drums hurting. But more importantly....emotionally and mentally feeling sick.It's really funny how it takes SO long to build a friendship...to enhance it...but all it takes is a split second to end it. Perhaps the reason im restless is because i'm sick physically....or it can just be that i can't stop thinking 'bout the problem. I'm disappointed. Really really disappointed in you. You drove yourself out of my life....and drove me out of yours. Things were never meant to happen like this. Until you gave up. If you never gave up..i never would've either. I never wanted to. Yeah, it was hard being your friend..but i never said i'll give up. Perhaps i even tried harder...gave more then my 100% even though i have barely any left from the past. But sadly, it was underappreciated. In fact, it was never even considered as appreciated. And that hurts. When you give your all...and end up with less. I don't know if we made the right decision tonight or not. I really don't. I don't know what's happening in my head as it is hurting a lot. I thought we would be good friends for a long time...you even said so yourself that you would see us still be friends 10 years from now. But i guessed you made a wrong prediction. Perhaps you MADE your prediction wrong. Or perhaps it's just me who made your prediction wrong. I don't know. I think this mistake was a two-way thing...not just you are the one to blame...but i am too. I don't know what to say..not sure what i should say. Maybe you're right. Maybe i care too much...not just 'bout you..but other people and other things too. Maybe i take things too to heart.Perhaps i'm just a very serious person afterall. So i'll take your advice. I won't take anything seriously from now on. I won't care anymore..whether for old friends or the ones to come. Cause i learned a lesson from our friendship. The more you put into it, the deeper you'll get hurt. Thanks for teaching me such a good lesson..cause now i'll know now to put my feelings in to things...not to be sensitive...not to give my 100% effort into anything. In fact, i don't even need to put effort into anything anymore. Cause why? In the end, im the one suffering at the bottom of the pit with no one caring and no one noticing. So why put myself through such tortures? Don't see a reason.

Sick

2005-07-06T11:14:00.000-04:00

Well...i'm suppose to be working at timmies right now..butas you can see...i'm not. Cause i'm sick. My throat hurts..i'm coughing like mad..and i sound like a FROG...sigh. But i'm kinda glad that i'm sick..at least i have an official excuse to get away from work. Working at both places yesterday was just BRUTAL. And since i called in sick for timmies..my mom wanted me to not go to the retirement home tonight either....so i called in sick too. I had a 12 hr sleep..which is pretty sweet....but i'm still tired for some reason. I think imma get some food and go back to sleep.

Dot dot dot....

2005-07-05T19:41:00.000-04:00

It's been almost 2 weeks since we've talked. For some reason....the feeling kind of faded away. The feeling isn't as bad anymore. I guess erasing you from my memory isn't so hard afterall. Or is that not true? And that the last couple of days you haven't crossed my mind was because i've been so busy with everything that i don't even have that one spare moment to think about you. I don't know what to do. Stop talking to you? Or start talking to you again normally and still be friends. I'm so tired. Worn out from everything. I've become violent and agressive and mean and i just don't know myself anymore. I get mad easily. Everything frustrates me..even the littlest things. I'm sick physically and mentally. I'm tired and exhausted from work. I cry easily. I just.....became someone else. I think i need some counselling...AND an attitude adjustment. JMC didn't teach me as much as i wanted to learn. It didn't really "touch" me like it touched others. It didn't really teach me all that much that i didn't know before i went. Didn't meet as many people as i wanted to either. Most of the people were a LOT younger...and it's not as fun. I thought there would be more to do at JMC...but unfortunately..you had to pay like extra for everything..so ended up only going swimming and even for THAT you had to pay. OH WELL! Met a couple of different people from different places..which is pretty cool. Went to niagara fallsand watched july 4th's fireworks. And the next three days..im working at BOTH places back to back each day. I think im going to die..YES! thats right..DIE!

Falling...

2005-06-28T22:02:00.000-04:00

Falling so hard so fast this time.

Life sucks...

2005-06-25T15:15:00.000-04:00

I'm fed up. I really am. Life sucks so much there really is no point of living anymore. I hate this life so darn much. Crying everything isn't the way i want to live it. Fighting everything isn't how i want it either. I'm sick of this life. I'm sick of being me. I give up. Living in darkness isn't so much fun....especially when theres only dead ends surrounding you. This game is way too much..more then i can handle...i give up.

Whatever

2005-06-24T21:32:00.000-04:00

It really sucks when you just keep falling and falling. I think i'm at the bottom of the well. I don't want to climb back up..cause even if i do...i know that not long after...i'll still be back in the well..cause i'll fall back in. And i dont think i want to make the same mistake twice. I'm disappointed..that's for sure, but who cares? I personally don't. I just never ever want to think stupid things anymore. All i should do now is just go to work everyday and keep myself busy so i don't have to think about unncessary things and unnecessary people. I tihnk the physical pain can keep me from thinking about the mental and emotional pain.

I feel....

2005-06-24T00:50:00.000-04:00

I feel like i'm a very bad person. A very bad daughter, a very bad sister, a very bad friend, a very bad student, a very bad christian, a very back worker. A very bad...EVERYTHING. Thinking back upon all those stupid things i've ever done....it makes me feel so guilty. It makes me feel regretful for what i've done. Why have i become such a horrifying person? Became someone who doesn't have patience anymore...someone who gets irritated easily...someone who doesn't love those around her....someone who doesn't care for those around her..someone who's selfish..someone who's dumb and stupid..someone who's inconsiderate. Someone who isn't Vivian Or anymore. I'm disappointed in myself. I realized how much i've changed over the last couple months..couple years. It scares me more then it disappoints me. I wish i never changed. I wish what has happened over the last couple of years never happened. I wish i never became this bad person as i am today. I don't know how to face myself anymore..i can't say that if i look into a mirror..i'll see myself. I'm a bad friend...a bad daughter...a bad sister..a bad christian...a bad..person..overall. Don't know how to face myself anymore.

Exhausted

2005-06-23T22:06:00.000-04:00

I don't know what to do.

Tired & Stressed

2005-06-18T15:15:00.000-04:00

I think i'm going to die really soon!I'm sick and my feet is soo sore and i have so much hwwk to do. I even have to miss church for three weeks.I'm lacking sleep and i have a cold and im hungry but too lazy to make food. My life has been SO busy this week it's beeen miseraable....sunday monday tues i worked at timmies...tues i worked for 5 and a half freaking hours. then wed..i hadta study for my civcis exam the next day..thurs i spent 15 hours at school for athletic banquet....came home worked on summative which was due the next day till 1:#0 in the morning....then yesterday....i caem home..thought i can work on my summative and study...NO....this person called me and asked if i can help catered..FINE.. idid..went from 4:30-12:45....slept at 1:30...woke up at 6:45 this morning..when to work at the retirement home till NOW...and like im SO screweed...i have a summative due on tues...sci exam on wed...and an english exam on thurs....tomorrow im doing double shift..MEANING im working 10 hours tomorrow....i even have to skip church...and mon i work AGAIN...tues IS the day of my summative and i have no time to study for science and im going to fail! Someone save me.=(

Balancing

2005-06-15T19:42:00.000-04:00

I'm trying to balance things these days. Balance my life out a bit. I'm juggling two jobs, exams, summatives, family, friends, church stuff, and just, my own person time with God. I'm lacking a lot of time, doing important things. It's not easy to juggle everything when you only have two hands. You can ONLY do so much at one time. I'm exhausted from having to work every single day of the week either at Tim Hortons or the Retirement Home. They're both ard work, and it is hard earn money. It completely drains me out every single night, and by the time i get home, i have no willpower left to do any more homework. Not only that, family is a big thing too. Sometimes i just get so stressed out and i get really frustrated with them and wish they would disappear. But at times, i realize how much i'm always out and i lack spending time with them and that would make me feel guilty and want to stay home more with them. I notice how both my brothers have changed..sadly for the worst. And that puts more responsibility on me to help them. School is just plain stressful. Exams and summatvies are driving me nuts. I have a civics exam tomorrow, so i don't know why i have time to blog. I'm not ready, only half way through my notes, i'm at school for 15 hours tomorrow, cause of athletic banquet. That's also one of the things i've been stressing with. My life revolves 'round the athletic banquet. Almost every lunch and spare moment is like dedicated to athletic banquet. It's stressing me out as well. Um..since i'm gone the whole day tomorrow, that leaves me no time to do my english summative which is due on friday. I don't know how i'll manage. On saturday, i'm working at the retirement home for 7 hours and 15 minutes, stripping my time for studying and finishing my com tech summative away. Sunday, have a fathers day thing at church, have to sing. And then tuesday..summative due. Wednesday science exam, thurs, english exam. I have NO time to study whatsoever. SO stressed out. So if you think that's not enough to stress me out, theres more! Friends. Trying to balance everything, and friends just add more pressure. Friends do stress me out, especially those who are having big problems lately and needs attention. A couple of them are actually needing the attention.I haven't been able to be on MSN much lately becase of lack of time and work and everything. I know that i've neglected some friends, and are drifting away from a lot of them. Trust me, i notice. Don't think that i'm stupid enough to not notice and to not care. Cause i do..i care 'bout all my friends. Just that i don't have the TIME to show it. As much as i would want to. I promise though, that when things settle down a bit more, i'll pay more attention to you guys. I need some time out. I can't wait till summer comes. Not only that, but recently, i lost a "friend". I don't know, i think 'bout it sometimes, thinking if parts of it was my fault too. I don't know what to do. Sigh. Maybe time will make things fade away, maybe God wants us to be friends again. I really really don't know what's going to happen. I guess we'll just have to wait and see. I think i should go back to studying now before i fail my exam. >_<

Changing for the worst

2005-06-15T19:03:00.000-04:00

It really scares me how much one person can change in such a short period of time. It shocks me how much one person can give up for someone else. I knew this one friend. She was by far the most innocent looking creature EVER. But until she met this horrible person. Her life changed dramatically. She no longer was that innocent girl whom I once knew. She's just..all-around bad now. Just like that horrible person she met. Maybe she sees something good in him, that others don't see...but she's definitely worrying a lot of people. Her family, friends....they're all worried 'bout what's going on in her life. She not only dragged down her own life, but other's around her as well. If she was to change for the better, that would be amazing, but sadly, she didn't. She changed for the worst. I'm not so sure how i can help thisperson. I'm not so sure if i should talk to this person. I'm not so sure what i can do to make things better for her and her family and her friends. I wish i can do something for her. But I guess the only thing i can do is pray for her.

I'm trying....

2005-06-13T15:25:00.000-04:00

Why is it that i'm trying to let things go....but it's not letting me? I tried avoiding him...i tried not going to places he goes to...i tried just walking right past him without looking at him. I even tried to just replying him in the halls with just one simple smile. I'm trying really hard to just let things go...but why isn't it letting me? Why is it that the more i try to not look at him and see him, the more he ends up seeing me? Now i'm so confused. I don't know what to do.

Bad things just don't stop happening does it?

2005-06-12T23:52:00.000-04:00

I once had a friend.He meant a lot to me actually.We would talk and laugh and enjoy life just as it is. He would talk and i would listen....i would talk and he would listen. We were able to understand certain "things" that has happened in each others life. He would make me laugh, and i would make him laugh. He made me felt like a person. He was my friend. Infact, he was like a best friend. I enjoyed being myself around him, something i wouldn't do with a lot of people because of lack of trust. He seemed quiet lately, so i made effort into talking to him and trying to figure out what was wrong, but obviously I was the one who was wrong. My effort was underappreciated. And when you're stressed out like i am, with a bunch of endless crap going on,and you're just trying to make your friend feel better, or moreover, trying to see what's wrong with them, and your effort goes completely down the drain, you feel...stupid. We had a nice friendship...but sadly enough, it all ended tonight. I'm not so sure why....and it is a pity that it had to end just like that. With a simple conversation. I lost a friend. He did too. That's not how it should be. But i guess we said what we needed to say. And nothing's going to reverse that.Friend...i hope you have a happy life too, and ferget all the sad things that has happened.

Screw It

2005-06-12T22:43:00.000-04:00

Why do people take their anger out on other people? Why is she SO friggen stupid? For the past two weeks, every time i work..she makes me do stocking. THAT'S not even PART of my job. If it was one or two things, i don't MIND getting that for them. BUT we're talking 'bout...3 friggen carts of stuff...with like 16 boxes on a cart plus two cases of pop. It took SO much effort to find them in the freezer...and put them on the cart...and PUSH the friggen cart. The cart with the stuff on it was like 10 times my weight. The friggen cart was STUCK in the crack in the elevator...the elevator kept on CLOSING..and just..ARGH! it was SO bad. I was freaked out when i was downstairs...scared that something's going to pop up or steal my cart of stuff. I had to be in the friggen freezer which was like negative 20 degrees..for TWO friggen hours looking for the crap...just 'bout EVERYTHING we sell at tim hortons..i had to look for it. Not only that..the stupid floor was iced..and like i was slipping all the time..the boxes was scratching me, giving me bruises, and they were SO heavy it took quite a lot of effort to pick it up and try to find my way out of the tiny little stupid freezer. THEN...when i get up there..so MAKES me take everything out of the freezer in the kitchen and put all the new stuff in and put the old ones back in. And she hadta say things like " Oh, this is what your dad does everyday.. that's why he's so tired everything." She OBVIOUSLY was taking it out on ME because she didn't get the job my dad got. Because my dad gets paid higher then she does. So now, every shift.. before i can even get adjusted to the surroundings..she hands me a WHOLE list of crap i have to do downstairs. I get SO many bruises and cuts nd it's not even funny. I'm drained from lifting boxes and pushing carts. And i don't know..i just...i don't know. Whatever..it's not fair taht she's taking everything out on me....making me do things that's not part of my job..but whatever.

Get Things Right

2005-06-12T14:36:00.000-04:00

After having a talk with Jo, it made me realize a lot of things. It made me realize how much i've been obssessed with....this guy who i shouldn't be obssessing over. I made it as if i can't live a day without him, which is not true. But the only person who i shouldn't be able to live without is God..and that hasn't been happening lately. I know i've been drifting away from people, from family, things and a lot of other stuff. I've been so busy with school and work and athletic banquet and other stuff that i just don't even have time for anything, anyone anymore. I'm completely stressed out over summatives and exams, and i think that after exams, it 'll get better. Things will be a lot better. I'll catch up with people, and just learn to enjoy life once again. But i think the most important thing is that i gotta stop liking this person. Yeah, sure i do like him a lot..but i know that i shouldn't. In many aspects, i know i shouldn't. I'll still talk to him if i do end up seeing him in the halls or during lunch, but i'm not going to make the effort to look for him and all that dumb stuff. If it's meant to be, then it'll happen...if not? Then i guess it's just not meant to be. God is good. He really is. He knows WHEN to provide and WHAT to provide when i need it. I think i need to stay away from the computer as much as i can for the next two weeks...until exams are over. Then things will get better.

Oh dear

2005-06-08T22:48:00.000-04:00

Oh deary deary deary me. I think i like him too much. The sad thing is, i'm not going to be able to see him once school is over...UNLESS we start talking on msn. But how on earth are we suppose to do that when i dont even HAVE him on my list? Ah! I think i like him more then i ever expected to. This is bad...reall baddd.. If i dont end up talking/seeing him in the summer..i don't know what i'll do.I like him a lot. I really do.

He makes me smile..

2005-06-03T01:25:00.000-04:00

I think i'm falling for him. He's different. Not like any other white guys whom i've ever known. He doesnt TRY to be someone else. He enjoys being himself, and he's comfortable with that. And everytime I see him, it just brightens my day up sooo much. And everytime he sees me, he would always make a funny face and make me laugh. I feel comfortable around him. And he makes me laugh a lot. =)
Is it just an infatuation? Or is it more? At least now i know that i'm completely over that certain someone who's not worth it. This guy can bring a smile to my face a lot more then the old one can.

Toronto

2005-06-01T22:34:00.000-04:00

Toronto isn't a very interesting place anymore. There really is NOTHING to do. All there is is like, shopping, pool, jits, clubbing. But that's bout it. So had a half day today, and went to TO...had an amazing car ride out to TO...talked with Tiff and Jasy like the whole ride. Couldn't stop laughing. First time i didn't sleep for a carride to Toronto. Shopped at yorkdale, and spent like 100 bucks. Pretty crazy. there goes my whole paycheck! And had an awesome time with Tiff. Then met up with Carson...only he showed up like and hour and a half after he was suppose to. But that's okay...cause it was nice seeing an old friend again! Then we were stuck in the traffic for like 45 mins and got to Pmall..walked 'round and then left for dinner. And then..we had a funny car ride again back. And we listened to backstreet boys! HAHAHAH! but yeah..i had SO much fun today! but now my arms hurts!

Learning

2005-05-29T17:53:00.000-04:00

I'm slowly learning. Yeah, perhaps i may be a very slow learner at certain things, like learning to be patient, and to love those who angries me, to accept others just the way they are, to be considerate, to fully rely on God, and more importantly, to pray more. Perhaps sometimes i get so stressed out over things, and perhaps they're little things and yet they still get to me. I got to learn to stop being so sensitive and just, rely on God. Everything has it's own timing. There's no point to rush if God already set the day for it. Whatever happens, happens for a reason. I just have to keep that in mind, cause i know that when i'm angry, everything Godly just suddenly slips out of my mind and i get really frustrated, but i'm learning. And i promise i'll try. I'll try my hardest.

Gazing Upon Stars

2005-05-29T00:42:00.000-04:00

I had a REALLY amazing time today. I thought it would be a crappy weekend, but it ended up being SO amazing. So...i did nothing in the afternoon....then i took a short nap..then went to the mall with Jo and Victor. Bought clothes and a summer bag! =) hehe..made me so happy! ive been wanting to go to the mall! =) Then i went to SLC and sat there and did an hour and a half of hwwk and i actually got what i intended to get done..DONE! =) That's so amazing....i work better without the computer and when i'm alone. I think i should start doing my hwwk and studying at SLC from now on. But then i had to work..it was boring..BUT i got to make muffins! Hehehe....the baker let me! hehe...i made chocolate chip muffins..so happy! it was the highlight of the work time..cause i spent like an hour downstairs in the stupid freezer looking for STOCKS and stuff....it sucked in the beginning..but the muffin was all worth it. Then JO came and picked me up and we went for a ride...then we stopped at the Waterloo Park parking lot! We had the sunroof opened..and like our seats leaned back...and we just sat there...gazing at stars....having a good conversation. And it made me SO happy. like we didn't have to spend any money YET got so much happiness. And like being able to talk an old friend feels SO great. Cause we've both been really busy, and having the ability to just sit there and share...it makes me feel SO happy i can't even describe how HAPPY i am right now. And it definitely got some sense into me and like got me thinking, and made me a bit smarter =) I can't thank you enough Jo! I love you SO much!

Can't See

2005-05-22T23:51:00.000-04:00

Eyes are pretty swollen right now from crying. Can't really see properly. Eyelids are like puffy and heavy. Acks, whatever. Talked to Brian tonite....he made me laugh..so yeah. Think i laughed like for the first time today. It's good talking to him again. Tired right now. Just want to go to bed.

3o Hr Famine

2005-05-21T23:14:00.000-04:00

Man...finally done 3o hr famine! hehe....had lots of fun. We were actually at the church for like 23 hrs..crazy! but we helped like pick up garbage 'round the church and bilingual school..played v-ball...played sardines...hheehe..watched movies..went outside and got TANNED! niceeee! =) hehe....happy happy..doing worship tomorrow. I'm leading...never done THAT before...hmm..so it'll be interesting....a bit scared..but will do.

Back in the Days...

2005-05-14T16:29:00.000-04:00

I think i've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I guess my surroundings is forcing me into doing so...but i'm glad i did it. I realized a lot of things. I realized who you can trust, and who you can't. I realized how stupid people can be sometimes. I've realized a lot of things. I've realized how much of life i've been missing out on cause of worrying other stupid minor things. Focusing on unimportant things, whereas i can make better use with that time.
I miss the old days..i really really do. Back in the days, when i went on mission trip, back in the days when i chilled with my boys and girls, back in the days when we went to wonderland, back in the days when everything seemed so perfect. Ever since 2oo5, nothing seemed right. Everything seemed like crap. But you know what, i guess that's part of growing up. That's part of developing who i will be in the future. I guess i shouldn't be so stressed out over everything, and putting more effort into it then i really should, cause that way, i won't get hurt as much. Time to move on from this chapter of life, to a new one. Hopefully, a better and brighter chapter. I'm not going to let the dark shadows of the last chapter hold me back, cause there are things out there and people out there who are worth all the time i got. People whom are close and dear to me, and those who i drifted away from over the past couple of months. I'm going to make things right again, straighten out my life, help more people, make the world a better place, and most importantly, make myself a better and happier person. *Psalm 139

Looking forward...

2005-04-28T15:31:00.000-04:00

Well..i realized i had a post before..named looking back...SO i decided to do one that's looking forward. Why? Cause i really am looking forward to the summer! Like Bee said, it'll be tons of fun! I never even knew people leave me comments on this thing..i barely ever use it..i just use it when i have no life or when i'm like...angry or sad. But yes...well..i'm definitely looking forward to summer and spending time with everyone...but right now? I'm looking forward to montreal for the weekend! YAY YAY! Haven't been there since i was like 10 from that like family trip thingy..but yah.it'll be fun..but the sad part is that goingup there and coming back down means kat is leaving u. *tears*
Well..other then that, i'm looking forward to all my PCAers coming back..from either retreat or europe! i miss them alll soo much! i feel like parts of me is missing cuz they're not here for me to talk to everyday! Come back girlies! i need youuu! And i miss them boys too!! =) Well..today..someone stupid decided to take my LOCK from my locker..actually..the word STEAL is more suitble for this situation..someone was being extremely stupid and took my lock. I was like what the heck? And like i don't remember whether i didn't push the thing in like fully OR just that people have ways into getting into people's locker. But the weird thing is that they didn't steal any of my stuff except for the lock. SO, i had to buy a new one..what pathetic people! Made me SO mad throughout the whole lunchbreak. Acks. Well..English..had debate..it was funny! Umm..can't use water..cuz they're cleaning water for like my street and stuff..so no usage of water..can't even flush..SO avoiding to go to bathroom...and we're going to macdonalds for dinner tonite...hurray? Well..i gotta clean and pack today..cause im going to watch my schoolio's rugby game tomorrow..and go shopping after..so yeah! Excited! That's all for now!

Big Sigh

2005-04-20T17:45:00.000-04:00

Hmm..wow..it's been quite a quite hasn't it. Like haven't blogged in like almost two months. But here i am,...blogging. While i should be studying for my science unit test on friday and finish reading my book which i'm not even half way done but have 5 journal entries due on friday. I AM SCREWED! too much has been happening lately..no time for anything anymore. Feels like i've withdrawn from this world...maybe not...but just a thought. Worked for too many hours..i hate working. I hate being in that despicable uniform. I hate standing behind that counter serving people. I hate having to deal with RUDE people. Yes...my patience level has gone down a lot lately..with all the fussy and rude customers and school and everything. I'm just tired every single day. Sigh..i dislike school...i just want to stay home and sleep all day. Well..today was a half day and i guess it relives me a bit..but not reaally..cause everyone was being awfully mean today. NOT COOL! And i have to go back to our stupid dumb school to do a grand opening thing..how retarded...ahh..don't want to go...waste of my time.but if i don't go...i get in trouble. ARGH! I feel sick right now..my tummy hurtss..and i'm tired and exhausted. Someone please save me outta this misery.

Bored as hell

2005-02-14T09:50:00.000-05:00

At school right now....and this stupid internet crap blocked most sites....and the only ones i can go on are this one and zuup. Not so interseting...but whatever. It's valentines day and have i have to work tonite...how gayy..o well... stupid ice everywhere..most schoools are cancelled cept for mine..pathetic.. acks!

16th Birthday

2005-01-25T23:02:00.000-05:00

Today's my 16th birthday. Though i can't say that today was like a happy day from the start till the end..i can't say it's the worst birthday ever..cause it's not. Today made me realize how many people love me the way i am. Joanna told me that i don't have to MAKE people like me..cause they'll like me for who i am and not who i'm not if they're a true enough friend. For the past year..so much has happened..and if it wasnt for certain people in my life..i probably wouldn't have survived another year. Here...i would like to thank....*note: they're in alphabetical order..so don't mistaken for who's more important then who please. I love you all the same.

Alan- Gor thank you for always saying the things that i NEED to hear and not what i WANT to hear. Thank you for being such a good brother. We've had sooo many fun memories together! From making fun of others..to making fun of ourselves. To you laughing at me..to me laughing at you. From you trying to make me laugh..to me trying to make you laugh. We've been through thick and thin..and hopefully it'll continue like that! Don't think lowly of yourself gor...you're worth more then you think you are! You're God's creation..and therefore you'll always be beautiful.

Alison-Even though i've only known you for "SO LONG"....it seems like i've known you for ages. We've had many great times together....including sharing my first skipping class experience. Whenever i'm working, you dropping by giving me this BIG smile makes me do nothing but SMILE back and laugh. Thank you for talking to me whenever you feel that something's not right with me. Thank you for being an amazing friend. And you better come to KWCAC soon young lady! P.S. Thanks for the beautiful card and present and WRAPPING PAPER! i love the pick up lines..and the words in the card..made me laugh REALLY hard!

Bily- YOU! Though i haven't known you for long, you pulled a smile across my face many many times. Whenever i'm not being the good Christian...you would come along and stick a bible verse or poem in my face and tell me that it's all in God's hands. And that i'm not setting a good example for others to see how a Christian should be like. You also taught me that girls don't need perfume..all they need is...GOOD SMELLING SHAMPOO! Hope you come back soon!

Esther-Hun we've been a LOT tigether this year, and it makes me really really happy!! Thank you so much for spending time decorating my locker! It means a whole lot! Thank you for having SO many great memories with me. Shopping? Yes! We have to defintiely go Christmas shopping together next year okay? And you! getting my christmas present without me knowning! You did a great job, cause really, i had no clue at all. Lunch? OH YEAH!!! most definitely! good times! And don't worry so much 'bout your exams! You'll do fine! Try your hardest...that's all that counts!

Jasy- My friend who enjoys making fun of my incapability of making a fist. My friend who enjoys taking pictures of me when i'm working. My friend who laughs at my uniform. Jasy..you're ONE of a kind. You're an amazing, funny, smart, awesome girl, and don't EVER and i mean EVER let anyone tell you you're not. I have SO much fun being 'round you and you'll be amazed at how much i enjoy us teasing each other. We do it for the fun of it...and not with the intention of hurting each other. Jasy, you and i...can just LAUGH at NOTHING. And give each other looks...and you have no clue how much i miss seeing your face down the halls at school. I miss you Jasy!

Jo- You are one silly girl hun! And i mean it! You make me laugh SO much. And you have the cutest laugh EVER! You're one sweet girl! Thank you so much for that entry on your blog for me. It means the world to me. And i love youu!! Now..forever..and for always! Over the last couple months..i haven't been the happiest person nor the best person to talk to...and despite my attitude problem and my down-putting attitude, you helped me every step of the way to get through it. You'll try your hardest to explain to me that things are better then how i think it. Things will get better. You told me many times to have some faith in God and have some faith in myself. And if i don't try myself, then things will never be accomplished the way i want it to. Thank you for walking beside me Jo. I really really can't thank you enough for all that you've done for me. I know i've frustrated you many times by my negative attitude, and im giving you my deepest apologies. Just remember that no matter what, i'll always be here for you. I may not give the best advice..but i'm always willing to listen to you or lend a shoulder. You taught me that i don't need to make people to love me...because they love me for who i am..and not who i'm not. And Jo, i LOVE you for who you are too! Keep that beautiful smile of yours on everyday okay?

Karen- Ga! Man..we've been through thick and thin. This year...i can say that we've been mad at each other before..We've missed each other like crazy before. We wanna be there for each other many times. We've been through SO much together this year. From boy problems to family problems to school problems to just...basically EVERYTHING. Between you and i, we basically have NO secrets. I know im not always the best person...and that sometime i make you really mad...but honestly..i never intented to. But you know me right? like..i speak my mind. I don't think before i say or do anything...i just speak what's on my mind. I love you ga. We've known each other for how long now? 4 years? no..5? We got baptized together...we went through problems together...we'be been through many happy moments together..and now we're captaining for TC together. And hopefully..it'll continue being like that. We'll continue being really close..and we'll get only closer and not further apart. And know that no matter how much i might disagree with you sometimes, no matter what, i'll always be there for you...every step of the way. Things might not seem so great for us now...but i promise..it'll get better. So let's just have some faith and get ourselves in shape for TC okay? I love you.

Kat- You giggly girl! Oh Kat...i have so much to say 'bout you. But firstly, THANK YOU for always taking me out for lunch. Honestly, spending time with you is SO much fun. Cause all you do is LAUGH and that makes me happy. When i see you laugh, i just...simply LAUGH! Kat you're smart, cute, funny, caring, loving girl and don't ever let anyone tell you you're not okay? There were many times when things weren't going so great for me, you would ask me if i'm okay and talk to me. And just simply TODAY, you called and just laughed the whole time on the phone meant SO much to me. Though i don't see you everyday at school anymore and don't get to see that pretty smile of yours everyday, i hope that you still keep it on whereever you go. Cause i wanna bump into you one day and see you smilling nice and bright okay? You're a very uplifting girl....telling me not to skip..cause it's a bad thing! Setting the good examples! Don't stress too much over school and co-op okay? All in God's timing...it'll all fall into place!

Kelvin- Hahaha! my old JE MUI! then turned into my GOR! i havent seen you for so long....but we stilll talk! you're going to military school soon!!!!! SO not cool..but then i see you at TC..wait...you handed in your form already right? you better!!! it'll be like good times when i see you at TC again okay? HAhaha! you still have to drive me 'round in your car!! but hey..i can get my license now..whenever im done my exams..so i'll take your car over and DRIVEEE! yayyy!! hehehehe! And you're suppose to take me to metro! LOL! i miss those funny phone conversations we used to have! I'm so glad you're having a much better relationship with your parents now...i'm proud of you! Keep it up and stay a good kid alright?

Nate- Thanks for the steelbox with the window! Now i can look out the window and look at how beautiful this world can get. And perhaps one day..we'll both crawl outta this box and burn it until it's gone and never crawl back in. No matter what nate, have some faith okay? Things will get better for the both of us. I know it will okay? And thanks for saying happy birthday in so many ways..from friendster to hi 5..to msn to everythinggg! Thanks hun! Good luck with exams okay? And we still have to go chill with Viv!! okay? We'll go one day! I PROMISE!

Mike- Hey you! You spoiled rich kid! i'm jokingg!! Thank you for being there for me over the last while! We've been talking a lot more lately and that's amazing! You're a funny kid and always make me laugh! They way you "earn" your money by getting good grades! Hahaha! silly kid! and how your turtle dies..and how you're always left homealone and sneak online when your parent's aren't around....hopefully..we'll getta chill over TC..and that we'll have a HABBUKUK reunion one day okay? Thank you for the birthday card and the testi!!!! Hope you feel better soon and good luck with your exams and projects!! See you at TC!

Tiff- You westernerrrr!!! Thank you so much for calling today! I was SO happy that you called. I was SO upset before you called..i wanted to cry SO badly..but when you called and i heard that sweet and soft voice of yours...everything was good again. Though we don't get to talk that much anymore..cause you're ALWAYS partying..haha..i'm jokingggg! I know you're not..you're in the library studying....*rolls eyes*...nonono..im just joking with you..i know you're studyingg...but i just want you to know that i'll always be here to listen to you and your..*ahem*...boy problems ..OR whatever problems you may have ANYTIME okay? I'm just simply a msg away..OR that stupid dumb long long-distance number plus my 10 digit phone number away okay? I'm not that far!!! But honestly, i do miss you tiff. I really miss seeing you everyweek. And going shopping with you and digging for my shoe underneath meters and meters of snow. A year passed by SO fast! And i'm coming to western to visit you during marchbreak like we planned okay??? And we're SO going to toronto to get your HEATED eye lash curler!! OKAY? LOL! Good luck with the A-Z boys of yours!

Tobby-Gor! Sorry for always spazzing! I know i haven't been so nice to you lately. Always being rude and mean when you're just trying to care 'bout me. I'm sorry!!! but you know that i still love you just the same!! I know you've been going through a lot of problems yourself too, and that you're stressed out too. But just chillax a bit and relax and maybe things will be better for you. You're an amazing gor ....and don't ever ferget that! And you better find time for me on the 4th! OR ELSE...i'll get mad! No i'm just joking with you! But thanks gor.. i remember one time we were on the phone and you were lk..i'm not going to yell at you..id rather you cry it all out..so you'll feel better! Thanks gor! And you better go to TC okay? It's good stuff for you!

9 Days

2005-01-12T13:54:00.000-05:00

Okay, so it's been 9 days...and i'm still doing okay! So how long will the streak last for?

The Sun Will Shine...

2005-01-08T13:58:00.000-05:00

The sun will shine..it will! Well..it's been like 5 days..and i think i'm taking everything okay. Like i THINK my life is considered back on track..and i don't think'bout him as much anymore..like maybe once in a while..but not that much...which is good! One day i'll be able to completely put him down and he'll defniitely be history. He's halfway history..just half more way to go! chinese school sucked today...but whatever..i'm so tired right now..i really don't care. I just wanna sleep and sleep and sleep! My throat is hurting..my eyes are stinging...my head is pounding...my nose is stuffed..and i just wanna sleep! I hope life gets better....hopefully..it will...just have faith..and a smile can brigthen a rainy day. =)

Looking back...

2004-12-22T01:38:00.000-05:00

It's 12:45 right now and i'm blogging. HOW sad! I don't blog that much anymore..so here i am. I just finished my gay history outline not long ago..and i'm very STRESSED out cause i know i dint put my 100% doing it. I was procrastinating..and it's SO bad that i decided to change my topic last minute cause i can't find anything in the friggen books for wayne gretsky. Well..now i'm doing it on Tommy Douglas. But yeah..today was just a crazie day..so crazie that i don't even know what happened. I was just thinking a lot today..how much EVERYTHING have changed. It seems like it was just yesterday when praylude were at church exchanging presents and everything. Time flies by so fast it kinda scares me sometimes. Looking back, i realized how much i've changed over the year....despite the impacts of family, life, friends, school, guys or whatever the reason might be. I still changed a whole lot. Both the outside and the inside. I look nothing like how i used to look anymore. It's like a complete change. I know that inside, i'm a lot different too. I feel it. Cause really, i don't even know who i am anymore. I'm like a complete stranger to myself. So how do i expect other people to know me? I've also been drifting away from God....haven't done devos lately untill the TC thing requires us to do it, so i started doing it, and hopefully i won't slack and keep it up. I've been through so much this year that i don't think i've ever been through so much. Things ranges from turning 15 to meeting new people to getting a job to entering grade 10 to being depressed over a guy..to being hurt by a guy....to separating from the gr.12s from praylude....to meeting stressful events in life to wanting to hide in my room and never come out. Thing's comes and goes..even if it's bad or good. The more i want something, the more i dont get it, but when i finally learn to let go, it somehow finds it's way and creeps back to me.I hate it. Life really sucks right now. I'm so lost..and yeah looking back, there were good times..but there were bad times also. It's just the choice of taking the happy times heavier then the bad times or the bad times over good times. I'm so lost. I just wanna sleep and never wake up right now.

Sigh

2004-12-19T23:27:00.000-05:00

I'm really tired today. Don't know why. Life's not that greatest right now. It kinda sucks. But acks..i'm at the edge of falling off..but clearly..no one cares and no one is there to catch me. So i'm just gunna let myself slowly fall off the cliff and die. Lot's been happening. Even though i've been trying to deny it within myself. i know that my heart speaks louder then my mind. I know that following my heart is way better then following my mind in my own world. But reality, following the heart isn't always the best solution. I really wanna follow my heart..but i wanna follow my mind as well. Who wins? The mind? or the Heart? I really hope that the heart wins. But how is my heart gunna win if you're not willing to help me through it? How will it win without your support? How will it win if you're gunna be dry and avoid? All you're doing is hurting and breaking that fragile heart that's already in bits and pieces. Soon, there'll be nothing left. If you can be that dry to allow that to happen, then really, i have nothing to say and not guna do anything 'bout it. But if not, please, dont let me live in this living hell. It's really no FUN.

Is it a big deal or no?

2004-12-04T01:39:00.000-05:00

Is it really a big deal that you lied? I don't know! I just i dunno...if i heard it from you..it'll be better.. But unfortunately, i dint. I heard it from someone else. and its quite disappointing..finding out that someone's been lying to you all along. But whatever.i dont care anymore.nothing really matters to me anymore..cause i really don't care.

My Gratitude

2004-11-10T15:49:00.000-05:00

I came home today, a bit troubled by all that that's going on. I came across my blog and read two comments. From Jo and Jasy. After I read it, I felt that some people out there loves me, and i couldn't be more grateful and happy. It really really made me feel loved all of a sudden. Yes perhaps I don't have the best materialistic stuff on earth, i don't have the richest family in the world, i don't live in the biggest house ever, i don't live in the biggest town ever, i don't have the happiest days everyday, but i know what i have now. What i have is SO much more then i really need. I have my friends and family right beside me. They're there to lift me up. Who cares if i don't have all the best materialistic crap in the world. I have my friends and family. People who loves me. People like Jasy and Jo. People that would spend there time reading my blog to know what's going on in my upside down life and to leave a comment telling me they're there for me. Nothing more would make me happier. I have all that i really need to complete this life of mine, i'm happy now. It took me a while to understand that, but now i know, that i have the greatest friends ever. I love you guys! FOREVER AND EVER!! =)

I'm Happy

2004-11-08T13:00:00.000-05:00

I'm happy once again! I think i am! Pretty sure i am! I don't know, I guess I just learned to let things go. Let them go the way it wants to go, not my way. If it's meant to be, somehow it'll end up the way back to me, if not, then let it be. I think i'll be more happier this way. And also, i'm not going to behave like a sunday christian! NO!! Thats bad bad bad. Going to love and embrace them like ive been loved and embraced by God. Love their mistakes, love thier wrong doings, even more, love them. Love those that trespassed me. I'll try, i really will. =)

In pain...

2004-11-07T02:04:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting here, in pain. Physically and mentally. Yes, my arms and legs hurts like crazie from gym class doing steps, working out for one-hour non-stop on the machine, standing at work for 4 1/2 hours, practice for dragon dancing and doing the dragon dancing performance. My muscle is like hard right now, it's not even funny how hard it is.It's GROSS...eww!!!
But aside from those phyiscal pain, it's nothing compared to my inner and mental wise pain. Why must you do this to me? I'm sitting here waitin for you, and yet you're probably off with someone else not even remembering i exist for goodness gracious. Why? Why now? You hurted me TWICE, and yet i still can't let you be the past. Why can't i just learn to let things go? If it was never meant to be mine, it'll never be mine, so why am i so troubled over this? Even thought you hurted me twice, and i've lost my sense of security and trust in you, i still can't give it up. Why? Why? Why? How did things end up like this? Or moreover, WHY did things end up like this? I'm trying to erase you from my memories, but that'll never work, because memories stay forever. No one or anything can change what happened, but I can not think 'bout it. IF only i had the strength to put you behind the chapter and start a new one, if only i can just not think of you, then maybe i won't be going through what i'm going through right now.

The Dark Endless Path

2004-11-02T22:12:00.000-05:00

This dark endless path is no fun. I'm sick of walking this endless dark path.There's no end to it. Why? Just when things seems to fall back into place..it always end up falling outta place once again. I try not to argue with them, but in the end, what do i get? I get sweared at. I try pleasing them, but in the end, i get yelled at, i get blamed for. What did i ever do to deserve all this? All I wanted was a happy family. Is that too much to ask for? All i wanted was a normal life...I never asked for more, for a perfect life. Is that so hard to give me? A normal life that any ordinary girl would want? I give up in trying. When i wake up in the morning, theres nothing to look forward to. Talked to gor today, he said i live for ga, him, alan, and God. What i should look forward to in the morning? He said himself. Is that enough to keep me waking up every morning without thinking what a dreadful day before it even starts? I'm afraid it'll take just more then gor to get me to think that this world deserves another chance. What to do? Just when my family is in pieces, you come along and makes it worst till it's into bits and pieces that cannot be put together again. Why? Why did you have to come along and do this to me at this point of life? Stop shattering me, it takes a lot more then you think to heal this broken heart. It really does. So stop breaking it more then it already is.

One after another

2004-11-01T23:28:00.000-05:00

One after another, people hurt me. They never stop coming do they? Why is it so much fun to hurt me guys? It's not a good feeling to be hurted. Why must you do this? Why can't you stand in my position and think in my shoes. All you take in is what you see. That's not fair. That's not fair. Why must you hurt me? But you know what, i don't really care anymore. I lost hope, i lost faith, and i lost you. So you can do whatever you want for all i care and i really wouldn't care. You will only be the shadows in my past...but not my path, and never will be.

Hurt

2004-10-23T08:35:00.000-04:00

I don't quite understand why. Why do people have to hurt me? Why do my brothers have to use horrible words to hurt me? Why do they like hurting me physically? I cried the whole day yesterday. I cried so my my face was all tensed and my head was hurting, i couldn't open my eyes and now they're swollen. I don't understand why they have to hurt me? My parents thinks im going crazie and needs to see the doctor, which i don't think i need to. But why? I cried so much yesterday that i've never cried like this before. Tears were just burting out. Maybe it's cause I haven't cried for a while and i cried it out all at once. But crying it out din't make me feel any better. It made me feel more bitter and angry at what he did to me. No one hits me, not even my parents or friends, so what gives him the privilege to do so? I don't see any. SO now, my eyes are swollen, my voice is screwed, my cartilage ring RIPED out thanks to my brother, and now it's infected and the ring won't go back in and i'm totally pissed off 'bout that and I'll end here before i say anymore mean things.

I don't get it..

2004-10-19T18:19:00.000-04:00

I don't quite get it. Why is it everytime I build my way up again, someone has to come along and break my ladder and make me fall once again. I then find my way up again..but once again, i get crushed down. Why does that always happen? Just when things gets better, something has to fall apart, then everything falls outta place. I'm sick of this never ending pattern. When will people stop hurting me? When will it be that i know i'm on the top of the ladder and no one is going to break me down? When will everything fall back into place? People, please stop hurting me. I might look strong on the outside, but behind that smile, there's so much more that you all don't know. There's so much more that you people haven't tasted. So much more that you'll never feel.

Stepping Stone?

2004-10-17T22:41:00.000-04:00

Today i've been having this feeling. I feel like i'm a stepping stone for people. Connecting people. But not in a good way. I feel like i'm being used in a way. I don't know..just feel weerd tonite. Not really being myself tonight, don't exactly know why. Well... went for lunch with laura, sarah, marcus and billy....then went over to laura's...
Then I hadta walk to the front of WLU to meet my mom.but i lost my way...and like i was jay walking across the road and a car almost hit me...hadta walk in the rain. Waited outside in the cold and rain for my mom for like frikken 25 mins. I was like frozen stiff.
Then went to see mo's house and did bead stuff for like 3 hours....then went home and watched ket chaps on my comp..then uhh..dinner..hwwk...and now i'm here. Feeling funny tonight...something's wrong but i don't exactly know what...

I'm a very horrible person

2004-10-13T16:56:00.000-04:00

Indeed I am one horrible person. I'm someone that ruined someone's relationship. Why? Why was I so stupid that I hadta tell him..if i kept my mouth SHUT..none of this would've happened. Then no one would get hurt. Why was I being so inconsiderate? I'm not mad at him..i'm more mad at myself. At how foolish I was. Now, cause of me...three people got hurt. ARghh..so mad at myself. How can I do such a thing?
Even though they're not together anymore, doesn't mean we can be together. My feelings for him is gone. It's all the past. Why is he so foolish to wait on something that's not worth it? He deserves something so much better. He deserves someone that's prettier, nicer, someone who won't hurt him, someone who loves him just as much as he loves her. Someone that's not by the name Vivian Or. Why did i have to hurt him again? More importantly, i hurted her as well. How am i going to solve this disaster? How can I by the power of my two bare hands? I can't. I'm not good enough for him..doesn't he get that by now? why is he so persistent? It's hurting me as well...why are we all hurting? How can i stop this pain for everyone? I really don't know what to do...someone save me before it's the dead end.

Thanksgiving Weekend

2004-10-11T01:06:00.000-04:00

So on friday, i went to Dc's birthday party. Man!!! It was soo formal. Everyone was dressed as if they're going to a weddingg!! craziee!! But I had sooo much fun!! We had a 7 course meal, cool eh? Umm...they hired three DJs. Ummm..there was hundredsss of people there!! Danced like crazie! I was actually there for 8 hours! And I basically danced for 6 hours of the 8 hours I was there! Spanish people dance sooo well! And my oh my, Dc looked SO gorgeous! Seriously, she was SO pretty that i was in shock. Her hair, and makeup and her dresss. Mannnn, soooo hot! The venetian hall was SO pretty! So high class, and um..everything was soo decorated. It seemed like a wedding actually. She had a three layer cake. Ummm...they actually spent 15 thousand dollars on this party, just for like the rent and umm..hiring DJs and stuff. She had two dresses, one was 650 and the other was another couple hundred. SO CRAZIE!I had soo much fun seeing Dc and Connie, and everyone else. Yael looks soo pretty too now, I was shocked at how much she changed. Soooooo friggen pretty!! Why can't I be pretty? =(
Awww, I miss being at RHCS, well, not the school part, but just the friends part. So many memories. Well, after the party, we sleptover at DC's house. Her three other friend from school came, so there was six of us. All fitted in that room. Hehe...Con, me and Dc slept in the same bed and her friends slept on the floor in sleeping bags. Umm..we were like talking and playing 'round till like 4ish and woke up at 8, thinkin i'm getting picked up at 10 but ended up getting picked up last at 12! S'all good! Then, went for lunch with parents and stuff and then went to karen's. Did nothing cept watched her try on like a million sets of clothes for an hour and a half, then watched sum ket chap, then went to cellgroup. Her mom wouldn't let us go to FMP, so we ended up going home during cellgroup. We watched TV and ket chaps the whole nite, then we went upstairs and like looked up people on friendster and AA looking for pretty people! SO jokes! Then I toook out her yearbook and started flipping through it searching for hot guys. Unfortunately, barley any! LOL! Just joking!! we were making fun of people! hah! soo mean! But s'all good, we commented on a couple of people on how they were pretty! LOL! Then today, which is sunday, umm..arrived at church 20 mins late, and then ummm...saw people which was good! people kept on hurting me today, lol, they keep coming up from behind me and slapping my bumm..and then they tap me on the head, rather funnee!! but there was like 4 or 5 people coming up to me and tapping my head. Good seeing them again. HEhe, they kept hurting me tho. THen some of them like poked me from behind and I like spun 180 to see who it wassss, cause too many people did that to me!Wow, this is a really long entry. S'all good, almost done. Ummm..then after church went to umm..llunch with parents and karen and carlton, then drove them home, then went to market village and I was feeling soo sick i was like almost crying cause my nose and throat was hurtingg and lke been wearing heels for three days straight so feet was killing and got blisters, then ummm, got my period, so i was kinda moody, then umm..havent been sleeping got like 12 hrs of sleep all together over the past three days. Ummm...stupid necklace gave me a rash andi cudnt stop scratching, and i was juss basically dying. And yeahhh, the kids were pissing me off in the car, i was trying to sleep, but they kept on fighting and talking so loud and annoying me! But yeahh...then came home and yeah, sleeping in tomorrow morning. Yup, end of story!

Learning to Let Go

2004-10-05T23:32:00.000-04:00

I guess I've been learning valuable lessons lately. Learning to "Let Go". I guess sometimes, I keep that grudge in me. Got to stop letting that happen and just let go. I guess there are many things that i regret saying, or doing, not doing and not saying. But it's the past, it's all the past. There's no way to go back in time and change it, so why be paranoid 'bout it? Just move on, and leave the past to the past. Look ahead and there's the future. So from now on, going to learn to let go! =)

Promises means Nothing

2004-10-03T01:27:00.000-04:00

Promises means nothing to me nowadays. It's just bullshit to begin with. Yes, so many people promised me so much...so what? Did they keep their promises? No. Maybe the furst little while, but in the end, it changes. Why? Why promise me all this crap when you people aren't going to keep it? Why lift me high up with two hands and just CRUSH me with one fist. Why give me false hope? Why why why? If you know you can't keep the friggen promise, then please, don't promise me anything. The more you promise you guys won't hurt me, the more you do. I guess you guys just don't know how it feels like. Guess you guys can't feel my pain.

Also, why are those thoughts rushing through my head like crazie? Why have this sudden feeling? Wrong timing. Why Viv? Why? Goodness gracious Viv, you're ridiculous. I have to stop this before it gets worst.

Cold and Dry

2004-09-29T22:41:00.000-04:00

I guess i take things too seriously. I take it too heartily. That way, people can hurt me easily. Things can change easily. From now on, i'm going to start protecting myself. I'm not going to let myself get hurt anymore. I'm not going to let anyone hurt me. I'm just going to be cold and dry. People aren't trustworthy these days. You can't trust anyone but yourself. Cause anyone can backstab you, except for yourself. People just don't know how much it hurts when you really trust them, and thinking you can trust them, but in the end, their words seems like lies in your eyes. I think i've had enough. Feel so foolish. It's time to stop being serious, stop being nice, stop being easy-going, but start being cold and dry. Time to hide the real thoughts inside of me, and lock it in a box. A box that has no keys. A box that's sealed tight. Enough is enough. I can't trust no one no more. Everything was just lies, everyone was a lie. It was JUST all a lie.

Grrr

2004-09-19T22:03:00.000-04:00

So today, I kinda had a great day...had church..Derek and Aaron came...good stuff! umm..saw tiff and justin and caleb and them..cuz they came back from western. Umm...started sunday school..auntie rosita and uncle charles is actually our new sunday school teachers. Went to LAI LAI's for lunchh..then went to wayne and jess's wedding showr.. Then went to Kat's rez..and chilled a bit..then went over to derek's...saw auntie amy!!! had loadza fun....went back to kat's...then chilled a bit with her and other people...like jo an jasy..then went home..sum stupid guy on friendster msgs me telling me i look like i'm 10..kinda pissed me off..then asked gor if i looked like 10..then he was like u do and was flipping out on me..so whatever man! i don't really care anymore! But yeah..i do NOT look like i'm 10..so whatever man!

Lost

2004-09-08T01:26:00.000-04:00

I'm officially LOST. I seem to have allowed myself to just i don't even know how to explain it. I just don't know whats happening anymore. It feels like i've fallen into your trap. Yet i'm not too sure. Starting to develop feelings that I probably shudnt be developing. I'm lost. What to do? What to do? i'm lost and skared..don't know what's going to happen in front of me. Being not able to know where you're heading to and where you're going is skary. O dear, someone save me. Help me find the way. Light the lights, so that I'll know where i'm heading to. =(

I hate goodbyes...

2004-09-06T01:39:00.000-04:00

One of my most hated things to do is..goodbyes. What's worst then saying goodbyes? but the positive side to it is that even though we say our goodbyes and have our physical distances...mentally and spiritually..we're as close as ever! I'm seriously going to miss the graduates SO much!!! Spent so much time with them thru-out the one year i've known them for..shares a lotta memories..and now it's time to be separated. I'll certainly miss them. But i guess we all move on with our lives. And each chapter is more intereseting then the one before! I'm sure we'll always stay as good friends! everyone last one of them!! cause i love them so very much!

Well, today was my parent's 18th..so we gave them a big surprise..and like 9 families came to our houes today. LOADZA pplz! We've never had tat many pplz in my house at once..very phunnie!! made then do things and stuff.great times! all jokes..comp getting fixed..using benny's..very little time online..s'all goods.. No school till the 13th! yuck!

Grad Party

2004-09-04T01:34:00.000-04:00

So tonite was the grad farewell party. =( I can't believe i cried so much! Furst time was unstopable...but that was just from listening to other people say things to the grads. THEN, i decided to say something, cause i know i will regret if i dont. So i went up there and before i can even start saying what i want to say..I was bawling my eyes out already. Man, I'm like the stupidest kid ever!!! I was crying nonstop. I think i was one of the ones that cried the most tonite even tho i'm not the one graduating! Sigh, i'm so stupid! But seriously, i'm going to miss all 8 of 'em! I had so many great memories with them..and i'm never going to ferget them! They're part of me..they helped mold me into who i realle am today, and i can say that i love them very much. Just hope that everything will go well when they go to univ, and experience more to life, and grow in a deeper relationship with God. I love them and imma miss them all.
Here, I wish Jo, Jasy, Kat, Dora, Tiff, Justin, Caleb, and Alex the best ...and hope you guys have an amazing time as you continue on with ur life in university. LOVE YOU ALL! *muah*

Complications

2004-09-03T14:52:00.000-04:00

Sometimes..it's not easy to just smile and know that everything will be ok. Saying it is easy, but actually doing it isnt as easy as you think it is. I really don't understand..how someone can be so dry and cold at one point, then nother second, they would try to care for you. I'm stuck in confusion. I wanna get out. And I will, cause from this second onwards...it's over. My life will be back to normal like the way it was before I even met you. Maybee that'll be better for all of us. I have what i want already..and that's my friends and family..and that's all i realle need to complete me.

Just Smile and Know That Everything Will Be OK!

2004-08-30T00:39:00.000-04:00

I had an amazing time!!!! I love Jasy, Jo, Tiff, and Heidi!! NOW, and forever more!! Tonite, was such a blast..it was even better then i thot it wud b! Taking lotza webcammies, making phunnie poses...perhaps..just being our true self in front of each other...laffing....playing jokes on Auntie Rosita and Uncle Charles..aww..they're so kyute! Today was the most wonderfu day ever! Everything went so well! Just smile and know that everything will be OK! That's my new motto! LOL! I love it! Awww..i'm so happie rite now...cause i know that true friends will ALWAYS stay friends, no matter how far we're from each other. I have a lotta those...and i'm proud of it. Jo, Jasy, Tiff, Heidi. You guys bought laughters, joy, happiness, into my life, thruout the whole time i've known you guys. I really donno what imma do without you guys!! Those smiles we hung on each other's faces..will NOT be forgotten..EVER! Today was a blast, and hope tat one day...when you guys all come back from univ..on a break or something..we'll get to do that again! AND, there's wonderland and the party rite? So, we'll have LOADZA fun!! I LOVE YOU ALL LOADZ!!!! *MuAh*

Obssession

2004-08-29T18:40:00.000-04:00

I LOVE SPONGEBOB!!! He's my new found obssession!!! Too bad the spongebob pasta was sold out todayy.or else...i wudve gotten like 100000 cans! =)
Well...today was a really fun day i guess...finally getta see Tiff and other people whom I havent seen for ages cause of my consistentcy of not being 'round Waterloo. But that's okay...i'm here now, and that's all that matters. Today's not a very goood day for a lotta people..they seem sad.. But being the useless me, i dunno what to do to make them happy again. All i can do is hang a brilliant smile on my face, hoping that it'll make them hangon e on their face as wells. I reallee want everyone 'round me to be happe! =) It's always better then being sad. =) I made perroges tonite...yummiee..it was my first time making them by myself..usually people make 'em for me..and i only have to open my mouth and eat..but this time..I contributed to the dinner by cooking 'em! Yeah, it was hard..but i did it. The oil kept on popping up and hitting me. It hurted alright, so i went and got a sweater..so then i have long sleeves, and I wont get hit! =) Brilliant idea eh? I went to the gym today to work out..it was okay. But i'm a bit tired today..prob cuz i woke up like 2 hrs earlier then i usually do. But s'all goods! Going over to Jasy's tonite for Auntie Rosita and Uncle Charles' s 23rd anniversary. Cool eh? To live with someone for 23 years. To put up with each other's weaknesses and also good things. It's not easy to spend almost everyday of ur life with someone for 23 years. I'm proud of them! =) Also, going to spend some time with my three beautiful ladies tonite! =) Of course it's Jasy, Jo, and Tiff!! Can't beleave they're all heading off to university soon. Time goes by so fast. TOO fast. Can't believe i've known them for a year already. Even tho it felt like yesterday that i moved in. But it also feels like i've known them for all my life. Felt like we were buddies from the very very beginning of our lives. Imma miss them all soo very muchie wen they leave. They'll be very busy with univ stuff, and we prob wont getta talk as much..but hey...i'm shure we'll always stay as friends. Cause i have faith in them. =) And of course, I love them!! Can't wait till tonite ! =)

I'm Sorry

2004-08-27T22:14:00.000-04:00

Why do I keep hurting people...? Even if it's unintentionally...i'm sorry. Talking you today, with you talking differently hurts me so much. I never meant any harm. I wish things can be like how it used to be. I had a lot more fun being able to tell you everything and just hearing each other out. Just give me some time... i'l come up with a satisfying answer..I promise. I'm just too scared to take this step....too scared i would get hurt. PLease forgive me. I don't wanna see this side of you..I just want you to be your happy self again. The fun person that brought joy to a lotta people. If only you understood.

Wanting to Disappear

2004-08-26T00:16:00.000-04:00

At the moment, without a doubt, I really want to disappear. I had a wonderful day today, went shoppping, had fun...but tonite..it's just not my nite. Everyone seems to ...different? At this moment, i justt wanna b poof and i'm gone. Some people i talked to tonite, are either pissed off, sad, dry, happy, normal, or different. There's even mad ones. I'm sorry..i reallee am. You know who u are. Some are just, dry....some are making me upset...some I just dunno how to react to..i dunt even know what the heck i'm typing rite now..
Whatever, i just want to disappear rite now...forever.

Addiction

2004-08-24T12:54:00.000-04:00

My new found addiction is..JITS..MAHJONG..
How bad is that? HOLY CRAP!! ahh..so addicted to it..hheh..reallee badd...

Fob Hair

2004-08-22T04:05:00.000-04:00

In Toronto rite now. Had a haircut, and mann..do I look like a fob or what? I actually have bangs! The last time I had bangs was wen i was like 8 or something!! So phunie!! Ga kept on saying I look very cute even tho i think i look phunnie!! Umm...Dyed my hair with ga at like 2 in the morning till 4ish..she got blonde streaks..and i dyed my whole head red!!! BUT i look lk a carrot!! Hehe...But i'm having a good time in TO rite now so it's all good! Considering, it's my sis's birthday! Happy birthday sis!!! LUV U!! Sweet 16 babyyy!! Gunna celebrate her birthday tomorrow with other pplz..at mix2 and dinner..going to be phunn!! excited!! Three more days in TO! whoo hoo!!! =)

True Friends?

2004-08-18T19:30:00.000-04:00

Whats the meaning behind the words " True Friends"? Sometmies, we get so mad at our close friend or whatever, and we say we don't care about them anymore and tat they're not worth our time. Is that true? Thats not how I see it. It's cause we still care and love that friend of ours so much that we bother getting mad at little things that they do that bugs you. It's cause you still care 'bout them. If it was just some random person, I probably wouldn't even care if they're about to go screw themselves over. It's cause i care 'bout her, thats why i even bother getting mad at her and getting frustrated at the things she does wrong. It's cause deep down, I still love her very much. Even though after all those not so nice things she's ever done to me, including ditching, lying, rudeness, taking me for granted. I still love her.

I had a very nice talk with Jasy yesterday when we were walking to Zehrs to get some food for the movie nite. And I guess we all go thru something similar like that. Each and every last one of us. It's juss the matter of how to treat this problem and to improve it. Relationships are not one-sided. It takes both to put effort in it. I'm glad I had jasy to talk things out with. Consider we were half talking and half laffing our heads off throughout the convo. I guess i'm glad I moved to Waterloo, it's been a year since I've moved here. So much has happened, so much have gotten me further in life. So much has helped me grown and mature. I've met so many new friends, and grew to see that theres so many people out there that are willing to care for me, if i juss give them a chance to. I've met friends like Jasy, Jo, Kat, Dora, Tiff, Amanda, Esther, Victoria, and a lot more that i can go on listing. They were there when I was invisible. They helped me through times that I myself cannot bear alone. We've grown to trust each other and help each otherthrough things. Yes, there may be this age gap, but so what? We don't feel it at all. I'm glad that God moved my family to Waterloo, allowing me to meet new friends and realize what a true friend really is.

Babysitting

2004-08-16T19:51:00.000-04:00

I'm so tired right now it's not even phunnie! I' m babysitting the kiddos right now! They fight now and then! But yeah! Myranda was doing my hair, and yeah!! They're watching TV so i'm on the computer. I was watching TV too, but then i fell asleep cuz i was so tired, and i was like sleepin sitting there..so my shoulders were like dyin when i woke up! Um...juss bored, but yeah, might meet up with Jo and Jasy tomorrow..leavin it to here for now..

Back From Retreat

2004-08-15T23:43:00.000-04:00

I guess retreat wasnt as good as I wanted it to be. But i guess not everything's 'bout me sometimes. I gotta learn that it's not always 'bout myself..but others as well. Gotta start learning to put others in front of myself..to think 'bout Jesus furst, then others, then myself. Retreat was awesometho, even tho i was tired most of the time..cuz of sleeping late, i still had tons of fun! But things weren't so great aside from those good things...i'm starting to get skared..starting to feel disappointed...starting to not believe what i should believe. Speechless. But i'm also happy, cuz Alan's my gor again, and it feels just like how it used to be! me very happy 'bout that! Me so tired..went to Abby's house for bbq..and she drove us to TCBY..soo fattening, but i ate some.and threw out the rest..but yeah..played cards after..reallee phunniee!!!! But now i'm home and tired. So i guess i'll head off to bed now!

Third Day of VBS

2004-08-11T23:54:00.000-04:00

I love the kids..they'res oo kyute..kept on taking pictures with them..cuz they're juss sooo adorable!! Daniel was misbehaving today..so i hadta yell at him in front of everyonee...buh yeah..came home cleaned the house..dead tired..then slept..then yeahhh..karen came..and juss chilling! Joanna and Jasy are coming back tomoorrow!!! yipee.....so excited to see them! ANd excited to do skit! heheeH!!

VBS

2004-08-10T12:25:00.000-04:00

VBS is AWESOME!! It's so fun! Singspiration and skits with the kids is soo much fun! They participate most of the time, making us the leaders feel so good to do all that work for them. It's all worth it in the end! The Monkeys are sooo kyute! My Coconuts are cute too, but they're not as hyper and active! But that's okay! I absolutely love Stephanie and Janice! They're like my two favorite kids! So kyute, so energetic! I love it! Took lots of pictures with them! I can't wait till Friday!! When Jo and Jasy and Karen are all going to be here!! It'll be soo fun! So many people!! Awesomee!!!

My Wish For You

2004-08-10T12:23:00.000-04:00

Where there is pain, I wish you peace and mercy. -Where there is self-doubting, I wish you a renewed confidence in your ability to work through it. -Where there is tiredness, or exhaustion, I wish you understanding, patience, and renewed strength. -Where there is fear, I wish you love, and courage.

Homealone

2004-08-08T00:53:00.000-04:00

Home alone..with brothers. Mommy at sleep clinic doing testings, and daddy in TO. A bit skared I must say, but what can I do about it? Very bored, cause everyone's offline! =( Wheres gor? Wheres ga? How can they both not be online at the same time? When I need someone to talk to most. Sigh.

Again

2004-08-06T19:29:00.000-04:00

Again

If when you wake up in the morning,
And the hurting is so great,
You don't want to get out of bed
And face a world of hate.

If everything in life goes wrong
And nothing you do seems right,
You just try a little harder
And soon you'll see the light.

For every person who has put you down
And filed your life with pain,
You must strive to achieve gretaness
And show them you can win.

For every disappointment,
For the times you are let down,
There will be a better moment
And your life will turn around.

Because everyone feels heartache
And everyone feels pain,
But only those who have true courage
Can get up and try again.

-Teal Henderson

Fake!

2004-08-03T19:55:00.000-04:00

What the frig man! Holy crap! You're so friggen fake! One day you're like oh! He's so gay, oh blah blah blah, and you say all this crap about him! Now? Like holy crap! You say one thing but does another. You're not the same person I used to know! I don't know you now, and i'm not so sure if I want to know you again or not! You're so FAKE.. You say one thing, but does another. You know how much I hate that? AND, you're like all bitchy 'bout it whenever I say certain things 'bout that person, and now you're like oh!!! This this this..that that that!! Dude, you're screwed man! Get a life!

Invisible

2004-08-02T13:13:00.000-04:00

I feel invisible. Friends that sees you when you're invisible are the ones worth trusting. Those friends aren't easy to find. Sometimes, maybe even the people who are closeest to you arent trustworthy. I guess I think too much. Go too indepth when I think, making things seems so comlpicated to me even though it can the simpliest thing ever.
As each day passes, I learn more things about life. Sometimes, it ends up in disappointment, sometimes it ends up with encouragement. I wonder how I would be, WHO I would be, if certain things in my life that never took place. Would I still be the same Vivian I am now? I seem to have lost trust in a lot of people, I feel that I can't trust them anymore. I can't tell them things like I used to be able to. They seem to be all changing into a whole new person that I totally don't like. I'm scared, I truly am. I just wanna go back to my invisibleness. Then noone can see me, and I can't see anyone. Build myself 4 big walls secluding myself, where I won't fel pain or hurt. Maybe that'll be better for me, and other people. Going to the stupid dentist today, he's going to cry, but whatever, who the hell cares.

Finally!

2004-07-31T08:42:00.000-04:00

So I finally gotta see ga! After what? Exactly two months! YAY! So happy! =) Had like the most hilarious moments yesterday playing jits! Haha!! All I do is like fling the thingy!! I suck at it, but it's fun! Had bubble tea! Ahh! My mom is going to kill me!! Yikes! But yeah, I had tons fo fun yesterday! Just seeing ga is amazing enough! =)

Happiness?

2004-07-29T22:09:00.000-04:00

Happiness cannot come from without. It must come from within.
So I went to the park with my brother this morning, and i sat there under the sun reading! Read "Teen love series", on relationship. Quite interesting I gotta say. After reading it, I got a lot happier, maybe perhaps I realized that things in the book is true, and it helped me realize some things. I gotta learn howta love myself in order to be loved. Keke! I'm happy today, even though I didn't go out. But I'm gonig to the gym tomorrow to work out, and going to TO!!! Whoo hoo! Getta finally see Ga!!! AFter two months, finally!!! And might getta see gor!! KEkeke! Gunnahave so much fun this weekend!! I'm soo tanned!! Keke! I think i'm toast! =)

Life Is Like A Rollercoaster

2004-07-28T23:06:00.000-04:00

My life resembles a rollercoaster. Ups and downs. They come unexpectedly, so you never know when you will be up, and when you will be down. I'm sick and tired of this endless ride. It's not fun, and I want to get off. Sometimes, I just don't know why i'm feeling down. Trust me, it's not pmsing. It's just everytime I see certain things, or realizes certain things, it makes me upset. Maybe I should stop looking and thinking 'bout it, maybe I'll be better off? But I don't want to. I feel invisible.

Renewed & Refreshed

2004-07-28T01:16:00.000-04:00

Today was a better day I guess. Yes, still dreaming, but theres nothing I can do to stop that now can I? Well, went to the gym today..and worked out for a bit! Jaccuzi and steam room! Man, I feel soo refreshed and renewed! Feeling better once again. I guess I needed today at the club! Got the meal plan, went grocery shopping. No more junk food starting today! Going to follow the meal plan for what? three months I think! I can do this! Yups!! Junk food is yucky!! I'm very happy tonite! Went to Esther's to do some planning for the skit for VBS! Man, it was sooo jokes! Belita and I laffed our heads off over coconuts! Haha!! Our sillyness! Poo! Everyone's sleeping or working on projects cause of summer school! Can't wait till it's over, so I can actually spend more time with friends! Viv's happy tonight, doesn't happen so often! =)

Reality? Dream?

2004-07-27T12:23:00.000-04:00

I seem to have forgotten the difference between dreams and reality. I sleep, and I dream..but when I do, everything seems so real, infact, TOO real. I wake up, not knowing if what I dreamt 'bout really happened or was it just simply a dream that will never come true. Everyday I wake up, hoping that it's all true, but once I regain my consciousness, I know that for a fact, it was JUST a dream.

I Miss You

2004-07-27T03:46:00.000-04:00

It's funny how things can change so fast. A couple months ago, we were as close can we can be, now? I'm just this girl that takes up too much of your time. Without a doubt, you've changed lots. Maybe it's just your personality. But why can't I stop thinking 'bout it? Why do I care 'bout it so much when you don't even realize how much this is troubling me? Why am I so stupid?
I miss talking to you day and night, on the phone or on msn. I want the old you back.

My Own Little World

Hopeless?

Feeling Useless..

Toronto

My Last Day at Work...

My Day OFF!

Smiles

Exhausted

Proof..

Drifting... Prt 2

Drifting...

My 5 Day Trip In Boston

My 5 Day Trip In Toronto

Life moves on...

Sick

I Wish....

Thinking Back...

Rainy Day

Mommy's office

What a day!

Story Time...

Sorry

Ephesians 4:32

Don't know what to say...

Sick

Dot dot dot....

Falling...

Life sucks...

Whatever

I feel....

Exhausted

Tired & Stressed

Balancing

Changing for the worst

I'm trying....

Bad things just don't stop happening does it?

Screw It

Get Things Right

Oh dear

He makes me smile..

Toronto

Learning

Gazing Upon Stars

Can't See

3o Hr Famine

Back in the Days...

Looking forward...

Big Sigh

Bored as hell

16th Birthday

9 Days

The Sun Will Shine...

Looking back...

Sigh

Is it a big deal or no?

My Gratitude

I'm Happy

In pain...

The Dark Endless Path

One after another

Hurt

I don't get it..

Stepping Stone?

I'm a very horrible person

Thanksgiving Weekend

Learning to Let Go

Promises means Nothing

Cold and Dry

*Grrr*

Lost

I hate goodbyes...

Grad Party

Complications

Just Smile and Know That Everything Will Be OK!

Obssession

I'm Sorry

Wanting to Disappear

Addiction

Fob Hair

True Friends?

Grrr